I believe in being the best mom or dad you can be, just not at the expense of living the life you want for yourself. Asked when one plans to accomplish some of the things that he/she has identified on the “dream list,” here are familiar responses:
- Just as soon as the kids get a little older.
- When my children get in middle school, I’ll have more time for me. (Wrong!)
- As soon as they learn to drive.
- Right now, every dime has to go toward Sarah’s college education at Princeton.
“Best parenting” intentions often surface when planning one’s sabbatical. Whether it’s the guilt of working long hours or the misleading thought that being a parent means you should live your life totally for the kids, people are apt to defer their own dreams, desires or needs. People will plan an entire 6-week paid sabbatical around the kids (until of course, we suggest they “re-think” this opportunity to rejuvente themselves, which ultimately makes them happier people and better parents.)
Here’s an example of how kids never stop trying to influence our lives. And how you’ll never get away from the tough calls of living life on your terms.
My 89-year-old Uncle Bill lost Aunt Garnetta two years ago. Their happy union produced four daughters – all grown now with families of their own – and was solidly based in their Baptist faith. They have been active members of the Freewill Baptist Church for as long as I can remember. Uncle Bill is one great preacher, a community organizer and a great dad.
But after two years without his wife, Uncle Bill is lonely. Enter Frankie, a widow in their small coal mining town in Eastern Kentucky. They recently made plans to marry and promised the kids – his four and her three – that they would maintain their homes exactly as they are (meaning they were not going to move a daddy’s recliner or a momma’s cream pitcher). They planned to take turns living in each other’s house.
After the announcement of their intentions, “things sorta fell apart,” according to Bill’s only living sister and my 86-year-old Aunt Naomi. The kids weighed in. Two of Bill’s daughters made plain what they thought – they hated this idea.
So Bill and Frankie called the wedding off. “Have you got all this?” asks my Aunt Naomi in the middle of her email to me that re-told how the elaborate plans for Frankie and Bill’s rendezvous in an motel room in Ohio followed by the minister’s ceremony and the mininster’s intention of preparing a wedding dinner for them got cancelled.
Then Uncle Bill had a change of heart. Guess he decided he should live the life he wants. He’s letting things calm down and he’s going to ask Frankie to marry him again on Feb. 28, 2011. In the meantime, he’s not telling the kids and is painting his bedroom (for his new bride).
No matter where you are on the continuum of parenting, your kids will always have needs and try to have a say in what you do with your life. There will never be a good time to put yourself first. So maybe now’s a good time to start.
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